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The Past We Bring Into Parenting

Thu, 04 Dec 2025 23:30:00 GMT

Parenting With Old Wounds

I wrote about a huge fight I had with my son.

In hindsight, it wasn’t really a fight at all—more a painful miscommunication, as most disagreements tend to be.

It was excruciating because of two things:

Our desperate desire to understand one another, and
The expectation that we should be able to—because normally we do. (Cue the panicked “WTF is happening right now?!”

A big, tangled ball of confusion.

When I returned to Holland, I told a friend what had happened.
She said, “Wow, your tolerance level is so low!”

Apparently, kids often say awful things to their parents, and many parents eventually build mental boundaries, becoming resilient—almost numb—to their children’s outbursts. I felt naïve hearing that, but also strangely grateful that my tolerance is so low. It means the shock still gets through, and also that my kids and I don't fight often!

This morning, though, I had a different insight: the suffering wasn’t only due to the absence of family conflict in our household.

It runs deeper.

I think it has to do with my connection—or the lack of —with my own parents.

I know that parent–child bonds can break, even when both people cherish the relationship and want nothing more than to stay connected.

My father died by suicide when I was 25, so there’s that.

My mother and I used to be close—very close—until I began to become my own person, doing things differently from what she believed was proper for a Japanese daughter.

My parents are incredibly important to me. They gave me so much: a piano, a bicycle, my brother; they paid for my education; they fed and clothed me. I am deeply grateful.
And yet… I don’t really remember them. It feels strange. And sad.

I know they loved me. They were parents who loved their children.
I know my father loved me because he wrote it on my 24th-birthday card. I’m grateful he felt open enough to say it. It’s one of the few tangible pieces of evidence I have of his love.

A therapist once used the phrase “emotionally unavailable parents,” and it was a lightbulb moment for me.

My children are my Achilles’ heel.
Nothing terrifies or pains me more than the possibility of losing connection with them.

Maybe that fear feels especially overwhelming because I never had the chance to repair things with my own parents.
Maybe, if I had grown up with a strong, stable, loving bond that endured through conflict, I would feel calmer—more grounded—trusting that relationships can be repaired.

異端者でリーダー気質の末娘

Wed, 03 Dec 2025 22:15:00 GMT

私の“Rio”を探して

高校生の頃、私はイギリスのバンド「デュラン・デュラン」が大好きでした。
特に「Rio」という曲が大のお気に入りで、16歳の時には「いつか娘が生まれたら、名前は絶対にRioにしよう」と心に決めていました。

20年後、初めての妊娠。「いよいよRioに会えるかも！」と胸を弾ませていたら……生まれたのは男の子。
その2年後、再び妊娠。「今度こそRioに！」と期待していたら……また男の子。

「ああ、やっぱり私のRioには会えないのかな」と思っていた頃、ついに待望の女の子が生まれました。

よく「女の子が生まれたらお父さんがメロメロでしょ？」と言われるけれど、うちの場合はどちらかというと母である私のほうがメロメロです。

息子たちはとても優しく、「どうしたらこんなふうに育つの？」と本気で不思議になるくらい。
そんな頼もしい兄ふたりを持つ娘は、いかにも「妹です！」という雰囲気の子。

ちょっと恥ずかしがり屋で、時々頼りなくて、成績は3人の中で一番下。
向上心はすごくあって、うまくいかないと全力で悔し泣きをする。自分に若干厳しいところもある。

そんな彼女のヒューマンデザインを見たら、なんと「5/1のジェネレーター」。
5は「異端者」で、新しい発想で社会を改革していく人。
しかも「できる人」に見えるので、周りからリーダー扱いされるとのこと。

今のところ、異端者にもリーダーにも見えないけれど、彼女の中にはそういうスーパーパワーがあるんだ！と信じることにしている。

だから私は決めてるのです。

成績なんて気にしない。Rioが好きに育ってくれればそれでいい。

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand

Just like that river twisting through a dusty land

And when she shines, she really shows you all she can

Oh, Rio, Rio, dance across the Rio Grande

きっと、頼りになるお兄さんたちが思いつきもしないような、ちょっと“ぶっとんだ”ことだってできる子になるよ。

Living in Holland from an Astrocartography perspective

Sun, 05 Oct 2025 15:59:36 GMT

Living in Holland from an Astrocartography Perspective

I moved to Holland in 2009 and for the next 12+ years, I thought I made a mistake. A BIG mistake.

For many reasons, but the bottom line is, that I found it quiet and provincial. To be fair to me and to Holland, I am from Tokyo and grew up in New York. I would find pretty much anywhere else quiet and provincial.

Then I found Astrocartography and discovered how each location on earth has different stories for each person.

And Holland has a powerful story for me - discovering and living myself.

With the Sun and Mercury on my Ascendant here, my "soul's" intention is to be more expressive of me, not to be afraid to take center stage as the person I choose to be.

You see, my Sun by birth is in Aquarius, where it does not shine so bright. The cultural influence is also a downer for my Sun. (For the astrologers, I am a Leo rising so my Sun would really like to shine.)

Japanese people generally don't like to stand out and there is a quiet societal oppression to those who do, especially if you are and look Japanese.

In my case, the biggest oppression came from my Mom, so the oppression was pretty loud!

But now that the Sun is on my Ascendant with my Mercury, the energy in Holland allows my Sun to shine through in how I express myself. Being here allows my Sun to shine brighter than in my home country, which ironically is called "The Land of the Rising Sun."

In the book "The Psychology of AstroCartoGraphy" by Jim Lewis, it says that the Sun Ascendant line may have a deep connection to the relationship with my father. Interestingly enough, my Dad always said to me and my brother when we were growing up, "Eat lots of cheese so you will become tall like the Dutch."

The Mars on the MC makes me ambitious, which is probably why I went back to a corporate work environment and also pursuing an astrology business on the side.

I did suffer from loneliness here, as is reflected by the Moon Saturn Latitude Line, for a very long time when I moved here .

But it definitely has made me self reflective.

I do think my soul called to be in Holland, to find myself and live my authentic self.

If you are curious to know about your best locations, or to learn about your story in your current location, email me.

I would love to explore the world with you.

Have a great day.

With love and gratitude,

Yukiko

Connecting with my Son

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 15:20:25 GMT

Alchemizing the Wound: Motherhood, Human Design and the Path Back to Connection

My biggest achilleas heel, the one that feels like my heart was gutted from my chest, so helpless, writhing in the pain, wanting to just cry and die is, when I lose my bond with my children.

I NEVER EVER want to experience that again. It kills me, from the inside. I was pretty sure I would die.

I learned this about myself in January 2025.

You see my son and I were in Japan. He was on a gap year experiencing Tokyo and I was there as my mother had passed and I needed to do the things that one needs to do when a parent passes.

Long story short, the relationship went through a huge shake up of a transformation while we both worked busy jobs, he was stepping into adulthood in a foreign country, I was grieving the most important woman in my life. All of this while sharing a small room of about 12 sq meters.

(For the astrologers reading this, Mars was retrograde in Cancer in my 12th house. Go figure....)

Fast forward to now, my relationship with him is back to normal for the most part, except that I want to cry in gratitude and relief every time he gives me a hug.

I also now know our Human Design charts.

He is a Projector, a very different design from me, a Generator.

I remember one day he came home between lunch and dinner shifts.

He wanted to rest and nap.

I wanted to talk to clear the air.

I still remember his cheeks flushed with anger when I tried to talk.

I know now that Projectors need rest. They are not like me, that has endless energy to handle what I feel is important. Important or not, Projectors need rest. They are not being lazy or avoiding or procrastinating. They need their rest. It's their design.

His Authority is Self Projected which means his decision making process requires talking about things with people he trusts. I am an Emotional Authority, so I don't necessarily need to talk to someone else. If anything, I need to get in touch with my inner self to gain clarity.

In hindsight, when he would talk non-stop about this girl who I believe is his major first crush, I understand now that I was his trusted person to be his sounding board. I was not a very good sounding board to say the least and I regret my reaction.
Now, whenever he talks to me about something, I feel joy and my heart goes pitter pat knowing that I am still one of his trusted people. And also, I am ready to be the best sounding board I can be.

I know now, that he doesn't need advice from me, but he needs to hear himself talk and see how true it feels for him. All I need to do is give him the safe space, the brave space so he can talk and find his truth.

There was another incident today which made me reflect on my daughter's chart, but that is a story for another day.

Wishing you all a gorgeous day.

With Gratitude,

Yukiko

How have you experienced the law of right returns in your own life? .. What happened and how did you feel ? - Pierre Pradervand The Gentle Art of Blessing

Fri, 24 Mar 2023 12:11:19 GMT

The Law of Right Returns

What do you think of when you hear the word "Bless" or "Blessings" ?

For me, my natural inclination was to picture a church or think of someone sneezing.

After reading this book, I see that "blessings" can be, and by nature, it probably is something to be captured in a bigger context.

It's basically a nudge to be kind and have compassion - whether it be for yourself or for someone else.

I found that just thinking about the concept of "Blessings" makes me feel kinder and more compassionate.

I don't walk around thinking "Who needs my blessing today," or "Who or what can I bless today?"

It's strangely organic. There's a flow within me.

The other day I was stopped by a woman who was lost. According to google maps, she had walked the opposite direction and it was a good 20 min walk to reach her destination. Instead of explaining the way, I decided to walk with her. As I applauded myself, I also caught myself thinking "What blessing would come back to me for this 1act of kindness?' " "How will I experience the law of right return ?
Ahhhhh nooooo! I am not enlightened! I am not selfless! I am not sitting under the lotus tree. I am a human being with an ego that wants to be filled, if not by me by someone else.

But you know what, who cares. Who cares what my reason was. Who cares that I hope for some kindness to come back to me.

For one thing, she's probably happy that she didn't get lost again.

I feel good that I did it. If not morally, I definitely got my steps in for the day!
Maybe it's the good deed or the extra exercise, I felt good when I got home. Maybe it's the thought that there were others that were just terrible with directions as much as I am.

Really strange.
As I type this, a song called blessin, came on (by Joris Brunot, Kaelin Ellis.)
Giving me the perfect line to close this off with - Everything you do is a blessing yeah.

Dobby is a free elf - Dobby

Sun, 05 Feb 2023 10:21:42 GMT

Meeting My Dobby

At every full moon, I journal about the thoughts, feelings and habits I want to release. I also list everything I am grateful for in my blessed life. Then I get my BBQ set out and burn the paper and watch my negative thoughts fizzle into ashes.

I discovered that I don't have a lot of negative thoughts. And that was when I sensed a little creature, whispering - "But something is bound to go wrong. What could that be?"
That little creature is like Dobby, who tried to keep Harry Potter from going to Hogwarts because he knew Voldemort was coming for him in the Chamber of Secrets. Although Dobby's heart was in the right place, his actions caused Harry distress and discomfort.
But once Dobby gained confidence and became a free elf, he was the fiercest of allies for Harry and his friends.
I met my Dobby today. And I want to show him that he can be a free elf. I know that he is there to protect me and he will do whatever it takes when it comes down to it.

With that in mind, I will go get my BBQ set and burn my lists.

Sending you loving kindness,

Yukiko

Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost. - Khalil Gibran

Sun, 30 Oct 2022 20:11:01 GMT

Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost - Khalil Gibran

Who did you think of when you read this quote? What would it take for you to call that person, or walk over to them and give them a hug. Tell them that you care and love them.
Regardless of what happened yesterday, or a few hours ago, or a year ago or 25 years ago.
You care and you love them.
Regardless of what you said or they said.
What would it look like if you did that?
How would it make you feel? How could the relationship be?

My mom loves cherry blossoms. Every year she would send me pictures of them in full bloom in Edogawabashi or Iidabashi, in Tokyo. I always picture her walking with her phone and taking the photos for me.
Now she can't. The only cherry blossom she sees is whatever she sees in her memory.
There are many things we probably didn't say to each other. The heartfelt things.

There are many things we did say to each other. Most of what I recall are the hurtful things.
I feel like we could have had deeper conversations. Or deeper moments without words.
I would give the world to have a chat with her. Not to tell her how I feel but to listen to her. Really listen.
So she feels heard. She feels seen. So she feels loved. Because she is loved.

Sending you loving kindness. To you too Mama.
Yukiko

Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years, when they could just say, so what. - Andy Warhol

Sun, 16 Oct 2022 16:24:55 GMT

The Freeze

We've all been in these situations, right ? Someone makes a rude comment in passing and you just FREEZE ? It's only 10 min later that you can come up with clever retorts and you kick yourself for not having been able to react right there and then.
I joined a group of powerful female coaches last week to discuss the book Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak. It's about taking control of the conversation or situation using the direction of your attention. Just like how a dominatrix has her attention OUT onto her sub. I shared with the group an incident that happened a year after I moved to Holland. A man fixing something on the street didn't approve where I walked when I tried to get out of his way. He made a snide sarcastic remark - to which I couldn't say anything ! I couldn't say anything because my attention immediately went inside - trying to figure out, What did he mean ? Would a Dutch person have known to walk somewhere else? But where? How could I have done this differently? All attention gone inside inside inside.

The incident still nips at me but in sharing the story, I realized that I couldn't have acted differently, as much as I would have liked to. You see, no one would make such a remark in Japan. They put safety cones around any construction sites no matter how small. There would be a sign AND there would be a person standing there directing you where to go and apologizing for the inconvenience.

Plus, I was still very raw and vulnerable in my new environment. He may just as well have slapped me across the face. That's what it felt like.

14-years later, I'm not much different in terms of coming up with clever retorts. But what I CAN DO is to practice putting my attention OUT. Kasia Urbaniak calls it Turning the Spotlight. The way to do this is simple. You respond with a question. Why do you want to know ? What makes you think you have the right to say/ask me that ? According to the book, the question you respond with could be as random as "Where did you get that sweater?" The aim is to turn the spotlight away from you. It takes the pressure off of you and on to the other person.
My kids ask me questions all of the time. Some are real questions that needs real answers but sometimes they are complaints in disguise - "Why is my T-shirt not washed?" "Why did Dad take the car and we have to ride our bikes?" "Why did the dog poo in the house again ?"

Let's see how they can train me. I would be very proud of myself to be empowered this way.

Wishing you all a great rest of the weekend.
Sending loving kindness,

Yukiko

If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others - Eckhart Tolle

Tue, 04 Oct 2022 15:49:45 GMT

Play

I went back to my banking job after a sick leave of 1 year and 5 months. It's a new chapter and that in itself is fun and exciting. I love changes. I always have. My first big change was moving to New York when I was 7. I vividly remember the first day at my new school playing in the yard with a bouncy ball with a boy called Mark. I spoke no English and he didn't speak a word of Japanese but we played together bouncing the ball and laughing. It's one of my fondest memories ever.
Children only play with people they want to play with. They never play with people they think they SHOULD play with.

Taking queues from my younger old self, I decided I would only engage with people that I want to engage with, either on a professional or personal level. I wouldn't engage with people I think I SHOULD engage with. It's only been two days but I'm loving this new rule. I smiled a lot and laughed with my colleagues. I want to be enthusiastic about going to work. I want to enjoy my colleagues as my tribe with whom I can be playful with. I decided to create that environment.

Sending you loving kindness.

Have a lovely day.

Catharsis is a ritual term, and it is eliminations of the ego perspective: wiping out ego-system, wiping out rational structuring. Smashing it, and letting life ..BOOM!. come through.- Joseph Campbell

Mon, 26 Sep 2022 18:53:10 GMT

The Ego

We have a puppy now. In the mere three days, the perfect balance in our human-only-family has been disrupted. The two-legged-we have suddenly found ourselves uncomfortable in the comfort of our home. A few days ago, I reflected on how one could be happy and fulfilled anywhere. I am learning this time that we can be thrown into discomfort just about anywhere too. On her arrival, I was surprised to discover that a childhood trauma remains deeply rooted. You see, for whatever reason, she didn't take to me. Her tail would curl between her legs, she would growl and step backwards when I approached her. Then the ego came out. The words "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" was on repeat in my head like a mantra. I visualized a massive wall of heavy grey rocks built around my husband, the kids and the puppy while I stood outside alone. I knew this was all in my head. She's a puppy for f***s sake. But my saboteur had regained strength. It was like Voldemort coming back to its full power after being a helpless face on the back of someone else's head. I cried like I've never cried in front of my kids. Today, my daughter said to me in the car, "Mama, I'm going to tell you everyday that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH." I started saying it's OK, the problem is the way I am seeing things and the only way I can deal with it is to work on me because it's a stupid story I am telling myself. But I changed my mind. Why try to "be strong" and sort it out on my own? Why not accept the help extended to me? She will help me stay accountable to tell MYSELF that I AM GOOD ENOUGH and keep flexing the "I AM GOOD ENOUGH"-muscle. The muscle that inarguably needs to be trained, as highlighted by my new four-legged-teacher.
My daughter and I have a ritual on the way back from school - we list all the positive things that happened that day. We added a mantra - "WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH. WE ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH."
Have a lovely day
Sending you loving kindness

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wed, 21 Sep 2022 15:08:45 GMT

Freedom

I recently thought I had a spiritual calling to go to Egypt. My mentor told me she was having a retreat there. "By coincidence," I was re-reading The Alchemist (by Paulo Coelho) which is about a boy going to Egypt to find his treasure. I thought this was an omen! It must be written!

But then I noticed a pattern - I did this last year as well when I decided I would pack up and move back to Tokyo on my own. At the time I was feeling the discomfort of being treated for cancer in Holland, away from my home country. This time, I am feeling the discomfort of going back to my corporate job after an extended sick leave.
I know going to Egypt will be an amazing experience. I can imagine myself completely awestruck underneath the millions of stars, feeling the presence of something much much bigger than me. I can feel the sand beneath my feet as I listen to the waves of the Red Sea(I think the Red Sea!) I breathe in and breathe out ever so deeply, feeling so full and complete and so free!
But Yukiko, I want you to be SO full and complete and SO free that you can be full and complete and free wherever you are! Feel the awe and inspiration you know you'd feel under the Egyptian stars even when you are at home. ESPECIALLY when you are at home. I want you to be breathing ever so deeply right HERE right NOW. Isn't THAT what it means to be truly fulfilled and free?
Have a lovely day.

Sending you loving kindness.

In every religion, there's love, yet love has no religion - RUMI

Mon, 19 Sep 2022 13:12:29 GMT

Self love

The word "self love" is unsettling for me. Do you feel the same uneasiness ?
"I love strawberries," "I love my kids," "I love to dance." The word "love" comes so naturally and easily when there is an outward energy. On the contrary, the word "self" - is well, the self, an inner energy.

I do love myself though and I hope you do too. I hope every being does, to the last molecule.
I went to Spain this summer. Had the BEST holiday.
But I gained weight and I am having difficulties shedding it off.
A year ago, I would have been so disappointed and angry with myself for not watching what I ingest. Probably gone on a very hard core fasting diet.
But this time, I am being kind to myself.

I am giving myself space, and time.

I listen to podcasts by nutrition experts and give myself permission to follow what feels good for me to follow. And I eat chocolate now and again.

I don't know if I will be able to fit into my favorite dresses again but I decided I would do what is in my control, and in the meantime, I decided to be kind to me because I love me and I want to be nice to me.
The word "Self love" is a bit too much - maybe because I am Asian and we typically suppress our emotions? But I can do "self kindness." I can do "self-let's be nice."
Have a lovely day!
Sending you loving kindness.

A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving - Lao Tzu

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 08:31:01 GMT

Signs

People talk about the signs from the divine, the greater power, the universe. I believed in all of that, pretty much all my life - started with Star Wars. Then in 2018 my mom had an accident and she didn't die, but fell into a coma.
I am the first one to tell you Things happen FOR you, not TO you. There is a silver lining. There is a lesson.

But I saw no silver lining or lessons here. I just can't fathom that the coma happened FOR her.
I lost faith. Completely. F*** spirituality!
4 years later, I find myself...shifting. Wanting ... to believe again.
I want to believe that there is a shard of light in the tragedy.

Nothing changed. My mom's still asleep.

But as I recognize the want to believe again, I am starting to see "coincidences."

I am not sold. But it feels like I am starting to heal. Maybe... I haven't decided to believe...yet, but I decided to be healed.
Sending you love and kindness.

Play

The Past We Bring Into Parenting

Parenting With Old Wounds

異端者でリーダー気質の末娘

私の“Rio”を探して

Living in Holland from an Astrocartography perspective

Living in Holland from an Astrocartography Perspective

Connecting with my Son

Alchemizing the Wound: Motherhood, Human Design and the Path Back to Connection

How have you experienced the law of right returns in your own life? .. What happened and how did you feel ? - Pierre Pradervand The Gentle Art of Blessing

The Law of Right Returns

Dobby is a free elf - Dobby

Meeting My Dobby

Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost. - Khalil Gibran

Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost - Khalil Gibran

Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years, when they could just say, so what. - Andy Warhol

The Freeze

If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others - Eckhart Tolle

Play

Catharsis is a ritual term, and it is eliminations of the ego perspective: wiping out ego-system, wiping out rational structuring. Smashing it, and letting life ..BOOM!. come through.- Joseph Campbell

The Ego ﻿

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Freedom

In every religion, there's love, yet love has no religion - RUMI

Self love

A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving - Lao Tzu

Signs

The Ego