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Golden Shadow Integration

Fri, 26 Jun 2026 20:01:16 GMT

Golden Shadow Integration

It's so hot. So friggin' hot. The temperature went up to 38° C today - unheard of in Holland.
I was lying down in the hallway all afternoon on my stomach, it was about the only cool spot in the house aside from the ground floor bathroom.
9:20pm now and finally, the air outside is cooler than the air inside.

Before we move on, this is the second part of the Day 3 exercise from To Be Magnetic' s "Be Seen Challenge."

All the credit goes to them! (https://tobemagnetic.com/)

So I listened to the Deep Imagining (which is called DIs), a few times.

Asking myself which part of me have I suppressed. I don't think I am suppressing anything. Either that, or I am suppressing everything.

The exercise is to free write so here I go.

I feel like I am lost.

But not in a "I-don't-know-what-to-do" kind of way.

I feel like a jellyfish moving my body the way I want to move my body, but letting the current and the waves take me.

I know I want to be more content, be at peace. Feel free. Not worry.
Despite what

Illuminating The Golden Shadow -Unearthing the Soul

Tue, 23 Jun 2026 15:24:27 GMT

Illuminating the Golden Shadow - Unearthing My Soul

Hello beautiful friends!

Same as yesterday's post, this is an exercise from To Be Magnetic' s "Be Seen Challenge."

All the credit goes to them! (https://tobemagnetic.com/)

First, answer the questions below then use the AI Prompt.

What specialness, gift, or potential do you secretly believe lives inside you that you've been too afraid to claim or step toward?

To teach, to be a speaker, to write, about life.

What qualities in others do you admire most or feel most activated by?

Having faith that everything will work out. To believe that money will come, my husband will find a job. I am meant to be where I am now and I can just enjoy being where I am although it may look and feel challenging in the moment.

What did you stop letting yourself want or pursue because it felt arrogant, dangerous, or "not for you"?

Having financial freedom. Living with ease and not having to have to struggle.

What were you punished or shamed for that might have actually been a gift? Or what came naturally to you as a child that you later learned to dim?

I felt like I always had to please my parents, especially my mother but I felt the need to say and do the things that aligned with their values instead of my own.

My parents have both passed but I still seek my brother's validation.

I prioritize what I assume to be other people's values without really knowing if they are truly their values. I feel like I have to entertain others, to make others feel comfortable. I think as a child, I was able to be myself without thinking about others. I lost that on the way to adulthood.

What aspect of your authentic self are you most afraid of expressing, owning, or being seen as?

I am afraid of looking ignorant. I am also afraid of being different. I am also afraid of being unable to articulate my thoughts correctly and eloquently. I don't want to be seen as being lazy. I also don't want to be seen as incompetent and at the same time, not trying my best. I don't want to be perceived arrogant or a know-it-all.

AI Prompt: Review these answers and synthesize them into a few key words or themes, please!

Your deepest desire is to speak, teach, and write, but your deepest fears are about how you will sound, how you will be perceived, and whether you will be judged as incompetent or arrogant. No wonder it has felt terrifying to step forward!

Here is the synthesis of your answers, distilled into four core themes :

1. The Silenced Messenger (The Teacher vs. The Fear of Judgment)

The Core: You have a profound inner calling to teach, speak, and write about life, but you are bottlenecked by the fear of looking ignorant, incompetent, or failing to articulate your thoughts eloquently.
The Takeaway: You are setting an impossibly high standard for yourself before you even begin. Your desire to share your voice is constantly being policed by an inner critic that demands perfection so you can remain "safe" from criticism.

2. The Perceived "Arrogance" of Ease

The Core: You deeply crave financial freedom, a life of ease, and a release from the struggle. Yet, you fear that if you actually attain this, people will see you as lazy, arrogant, or a "know-it-all."
The Takeaway: Somewhere along the way, you internalized a belief that struggle equals worthiness. To choose ease feels like a betrayal of the collective "hard work" mentality, making you feel like you'll be judged for opting out of the struggle.

3. The Chameleonic Identity (People-Pleasing & The Fear of Being Different)

The Core: From childhood to adulthood (moving from your parents to your brother and society), you have prioritized other people’s values and comfort over your own. You admit you are deeply afraid of "being different."
The Takeaway: To be a teacher or a writer, you have to be different; you have to have a unique perspective. But right now, your survival mechanism is to blend in, entertain, and make others comfortable so you don't risk rejection.

4. Borrowed Faith

The Core: You are highly activated by people who have unwavering faith that things will work out, that money will flow, and that you can enjoy the present moment even when it’s messy.
The Takeaway: This is your North Star. You are being called to trade the external validation of others for an internal, unshakeable faith in your own journey.

In short, your current tension is:

The Child who just wanted to be vs. The Adult who is terrified of being seen.

Your authentic self wants to speak, live with ease, and trust the universe. Your protective self is trying to keep you safe by keeping you quiet, working hard, and blending in.

The below is what Google Gemini gave me when I forgot to reply to the last question.

I find it intriguing as I am not exactly sure if I want to be a speaker but I do love being a Modern Philosopher and Guide.

1. Your Hidden Gift: The Modern Philosopher & Guide

You noted that your secret dream is to teach, to speak, and to write about life .

The Reality: You cannot teach or write deeply about life without experiencing its contrast. The fact that you are currently navigating a challenging season with your husband's job search, financial tightropes, and personal untangling means you are currently earning your credentials.
The Shift: You aren't waiting for life to be perfect to become a teacher. Your journey through the messiness is the exact curriculum people need to hear.

2. The Great Unlearning: From "People Pleaser" to "Truth Teller"

You mentioned that as a child, you were effortlessly yourself, but you learned to dim that to please your parents, and now look for that validation in your brother or by trying to "entertain" and make everyone else comfortable.

The Gift in the Shadow: Your ability to read a room and care about others' comfort is actually a superpower—it’s high emotional intelligence. But right now, it’s on overdrive, serving as a shield to keep you safe.
The Reclaim: When you were a child, you knew who you were before the world told you who you should be. Stepping into your authentic self means recognizing that you are not responsible for carrying the emotional weight of the room. ### 3. The Forbidden Desire: Ease and Abundance You admitted that you stopped letting yourself want financial freedom and a life of ease because it felt "arrogant, dangerous, or not for you."
The Truth: We live in a culture that deeply romanticizes the "struggle." We are taught that if we aren't exhausted, we aren't earning our keep. Wanting ease and financial freedom isn't arrogant; it is a baseline human desire for safety and peace.
The Activation: You admire people who have faith that everything will work out. That admiration is actually a mirror. You are activated by it because that exact faith lives inside you , but you’ve been conditioned to think that worrying is safer than trusting.

Get Expanded In Your Authentic Expression

Mon, 22 Jun 2026 11:33:35 GMT

Get Expanded In Your Authentic Expression-a TBM Challenge

Here is an exercise I did today which you can do as well. This is from To Be Magnetic. (https://tobemagnetic.com/) I take no credit!

It is part of "The Be Seen Challenge."

List the top people, situations, experiences, or dynamics that are expanding, inspiring, or activating you right now—including things you've screenshotted, saved on Pinterest/Instagram/TikTok, or shared with friends.

AI Prompt: Here is a list of my current Expanders and what inspired/activated me about each. What is the throughline and common themes, and what does it highlight about what I desire for my authentic expression and visibility this season?

The List:

1. Sally and Ursula - Ursula and I are going through similar circumstances - On the one hand, both of us have some financial issues but on the other, have a rich, loving relationship with our respective families. We are at a stage in our lives where we choose to do what we love and feel is our calling. I think she is a bit ahead of me as I am still working for a company.

b. Sally is a reflector for me. She reflects back where I am in my journey and also my energy. She helps me ground myself and confirm that I am on the right track.

2. Astrology - to seek the timing of life unravelling

3. Keisuke Honda- he is a Japanese football player who has been the Japanese commentator for the ongoing World Cup football tournament. He speaks bluntly and without over thinking. I laugh, I am entertained. I find it refreshing.

4. Buddha/Buddhism - I have been translating words of Honen Shonin for the Buddhist reading group I am a part of. It makes me think about the Japanese history, and how Buddhism has its roots in India, then travelled to China before reaching Japan. It gives me comfort to think of Amida Buddha as my magnetic parent and my biological parents were also children of Buddha, like me. It broadens my perspective about life, and more recently about repentance and forgiveness.

5. My eldest son Bo - He is aware that we have issues, namely financial issues and health issues but he doesn't let them affect him negatively. It is almost as if he is immune. He told me just the other day that his biggest worry is what to wear the next day. He buys things that he doesn't necessarily need. I am glad that my husband and I, despite our financial issues and health issues, are able to provide that sense of safety to him.

The Core Throughlines & Common Themes

Rooted Sovereignty and "Radical Un-botheredness"

There is a powerful theme of remaining steady and centered, regardless of external circumstances (like financial or health stressors).

Bo embodies a sense of safety and lightheartedness that isn’t dictated by bank accounts.
Ursula shares your exact struggles but remains locked into her calling.
The Takeaway: You are being expanded to realize that your worth, your joy, and your calling do not have to wait for "perfect" conditions. You are allowed to feel safe and pursue your passions right now.

Unfiltered, Raw Authenticity

You are craving communication that bypasses the "social script."

Keisuke Honda’s blunt, unthinking, and refreshing commentary highlights a deep desire to stop over-editing yourself.
The Takeaway: You are tired of the corporate, polished veneer (which fits with you still being "on paper" with a company). You want to speak your truth clearly, humorously, and directly without fear of judgment.

Zooming Out: The Micro vs. The Macro

Your expanders bridge the hyper-local (daily life, family, what to wear) with the massive and cosmic (Astrology, the centuries-long journey of Buddhism).

The Takeaway: You find peace when you contextually place your current life chapter into a larger narrative—whether that’s the timing of the planets or the historical flow of spiritual lineages. It reminds you that this current phase is just one brief chapter in a much larger, beautiful story.

Forgiveness, Reflection, and Recalibration

Through Sally as your reflector and Buddhism’s teachings on repentance and forgiveness, there is a theme of clearing out old energetic debris.

The Takeaway: To step into your next chapter, you are actively forgiving the past, accepting your current reality, and using your relationships to gauge exactly where you are without shame.

2. What This Highlights for Your Authentic Expression & Visibility

This season, your soul is demanding a shift from "professional presentation" to "soul-led presence." Here is what you are desiring to express and how you want to be seen:

Visibility Without the Mask: Keisuke Honda is your permission slip to be seen as imperfectly human. In your visibility—whether online, in your communities, or in your future business—you desire to speak plainly. You want to be seen as someone who is real, entertaining, and grounded, not a rigid corporate entity.
Expressing Your Multitudes: Look at how varied your list is—from football commentary to ancient Buddhist texts, from astrology apps to your son’s fashion choices. Your authentic expression this season wants to be eclectic . You don’t need to fit into a neat, marketable box. You are allowed to be a translator of history and a fan of sports and a student of the stars.
Stepping Out of the Corporate Shadow: Ursula is your bridge. She represents the version of you that has fully crossed over into doing what she loves. Your desire for visibility is deeply tied to shedding the "company employee" identity and being witnessed as a sovereign creator driven by a calling.
A Beacon of Embodied Safety: By realizing you have successfully provided a sense of safety for Bo, you are recognizing your own capacity to be safety. Your expression this season will likely involve sharing how to find peace, forgiveness, and perspective while navigating life's messy, uncertain middles.

In summary: This season, you are desiring to be seen as someone who is grounded in the present, unapologetically real in speech, deeply rooted in spiritual perspective, and courageously pursuing her calling despite external limitations.

The Past We Bring Into Parenting

Thu, 04 Dec 2025 23:30:00 GMT

Parenting With Old Wounds

I wrote about a huge fight I had with my son.

In hindsight, it wasn’t really a fight at all—more a painful miscommunication, as most disagreements tend to be.

It was excruciating because of two things:

Our desperate desire to understand one another, and
The expectation that we should be able to—because normally we do. (Cue the panicked “WTF is happening right now?!”

A big, tangled ball of confusion.

When I returned to Holland, I told a friend what had happened.
She said, “Wow, your tolerance level is so low!”

Apparently, kids often say awful things to their parents, and many parents eventually build mental boundaries, becoming resilient—almost numb—to their children’s outbursts. I felt naïve hearing that, but also strangely grateful that my tolerance is so low. It means the shock still gets through, and also that my kids and I don't fight often!

This morning, though, I had a different insight: the suffering wasn’t only due to the absence of family conflict in our household.

It runs deeper.

I think it has to do with my connection—or the lack of —with my own parents.

I know that parent–child bonds can break, even when both people cherish the relationship and want nothing more than to stay connected.

My father died by suicide when I was 25, so there’s that.

My mother and I used to be close—very close—until I began to become my own person, doing things differently from what she believed was proper for a Japanese daughter.

My parents are incredibly important to me. They gave me so much: a piano, a bicycle, my brother; they paid for my education; they fed and clothed me. I am deeply grateful.
And yet… I don’t really remember them. It feels strange. And sad.

I know they loved me. They were parents who loved their children.
I know my father loved me because he wrote it on my 24th-birthday card. I’m grateful he felt open enough to say it. It’s one of the few tangible pieces of evidence I have of his love.

A therapist once used the phrase “emotionally unavailable parents,” and it was a lightbulb moment for me.

My children are my Achilles’ heel.
Nothing terrifies or pains me more than the possibility of losing connection with them.

Maybe that fear feels especially overwhelming because I never had the chance to repair things with my own parents.
Maybe, if I had grown up with a strong, stable, loving bond that endured through conflict, I would feel calmer—more grounded—trusting that relationships can be repaired.

異端者でリーダー気質の末娘

Wed, 03 Dec 2025 22:15:00 GMT

私の“Rio”を探して

高校生の頃、私はイギリスのバンド「デュラン・デュラン」が大好きでした。
特に「Rio」という曲が大のお気に入りで、16歳の時には「いつか娘が生まれたら、名前は絶対にRioにしよう」と心に決めていました。

20年後、初めての妊娠。「いよいよRioに会えるかも！」と胸を弾ませていたら……生まれたのは男の子。
その2年後、再び妊娠。「今度こそRioに！」と期待していたら……また男の子。

「ああ、やっぱり私のRioには会えないのかな」と思っていた頃、ついに待望の女の子が生まれました。

よく「女の子が生まれたらお父さんがメロメロでしょ？」と言われるけれど、うちの場合はどちらかというと母である私のほうがメロメロです。

息子たちはとても優しく、「どうしたらこんなふうに育つの？」と本気で不思議になるくらい。
そんな頼もしい兄ふたりを持つ娘は、いかにも「妹です！」という雰囲気の子。

ちょっと恥ずかしがり屋で、時々頼りなくて、成績は3人の中で一番下。
向上心はすごくあって、うまくいかないと全力で悔し泣きをする。自分に若干厳しいところもある。

そんな彼女のヒューマンデザインを見たら、なんと「5/1のジェネレーター」。
5は「異端者」で、新しい発想で社会を改革していく人。
しかも「できる人」に見えるので、周りからリーダー扱いされるとのこと。

今のところ、異端者にもリーダーにも見えないけれど、彼女の中にはそういうスーパーパワーがあるんだ！と信じることにしている。

だから私は決めてるのです。

成績なんて気にしない。Rioが好きに育ってくれればそれでいい。

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand

Just like that river twisting through a dusty land

And when she shines, she really shows you all she can

Oh, Rio, Rio, dance across the Rio Grande

きっと、頼りになるお兄さんたちが思いつきもしないような、ちょっと“ぶっとんだ”ことだってできる子になるよ。

Living in Holland from an Astrocartography perspective

Sun, 05 Oct 2025 15:59:36 GMT

Living in Holland from an Astrocartography Perspective

I moved to Holland in 2009 and for the next 12+ years, I thought I made a mistake. A BIG mistake.

For many reasons, but the bottom line is, that I found it quiet and provincial. To be fair to me and to Holland, I am from Tokyo and grew up in New York. I would find pretty much anywhere else quiet and provincial.

Then I found Astrocartography and discovered how each location on earth has different stories for each person.

And Holland has a powerful story for me - discovering and living myself.

With the Sun and Mercury on my Ascendant here, my "soul's" intention is to be more expressive of me, not to be afraid to take center stage as the person I choose to be.

You see, my Sun by birth is in Aquarius, where it does not shine so bright. The cultural influence is also a downer for my Sun. (For the astrologers, I am a Leo rising so my Sun would really like to shine.)

Japanese people generally don't like to stand out and there is a quiet societal oppression to those who do, especially if you are and look Japanese.

In my case, the biggest oppression came from my Mom, so the oppression was pretty loud!

But now that the Sun is on my Ascendant with my Mercury, the energy in Holland allows my Sun to shine through in how I express myself. Being here allows my Sun to shine brighter than in my home country, which ironically is called "The Land of the Rising Sun."

In the book "The Psychology of AstroCartoGraphy" by Jim Lewis, it says that the Sun Ascendant line may have a deep connection to the relationship with my father. Interestingly enough, my Dad always said to me and my brother when we were growing up, "Eat lots of cheese so you will become tall like the Dutch."

The Mars on the MC makes me ambitious, which is probably why I went back to a corporate work environment and also pursuing an astrology business on the side.

I did suffer from loneliness here, as is reflected by the Moon Saturn Latitude Line, for a very long time when I moved here .

But it definitely has made me self reflective.

I do think my soul called to be in Holland, to find myself and live my authentic self.

If you are curious to know about your best locations, or to learn about your story in your current location, email me.

I would love to explore the world with you.

Have a great day.

With love and gratitude,

Yukiko

Connecting with my Son

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 15:20:25 GMT

Alchemizing the Wound: Motherhood, Human Design and the Path Back to Connection

My biggest achilleas heel, the one that feels like my heart was gutted from my chest, so helpless, writhing in the pain, wanting to just cry and die is, when I lose my bond with my children.

I NEVER EVER want to experience that again. It kills me, from the inside. I was pretty sure I would die.

I learned this about myself in January 2025.

You see my son and I were in Japan. He was on a gap year experiencing Tokyo and I was there as my mother had passed and I needed to do the things that one needs to do when a parent passes.

Long story short, the relationship went through a huge shake up of a transformation while we both worked busy jobs, he was stepping into adulthood in a foreign country, I was grieving the most important woman in my life. All of this while sharing a small room of about 12 sq meters.

(For the astrologers reading this, Mars was retrograde in Cancer in my 12th house. Go figure....)

Fast forward to now, my relationship with him is back to normal for the most part, except that I want to cry in gratitude and relief every time he gives me a hug.

I also now know our Human Design charts.

He is a Projector, a very different design from me, a Generator.

I remember one day he came home between lunch and dinner shifts.

He wanted to rest and nap.

I wanted to talk to clear the air.

I still remember his cheeks flushed with anger when I tried to talk.

I know now that Projectors need rest. They are not like me, that has endless energy to handle what I feel is important. Important or not, Projectors need rest. They are not being lazy or avoiding or procrastinating. They need their rest. It's their design.

His Authority is Self Projected which means his decision making process requires talking about things with people he trusts. I am an Emotional Authority, so I don't necessarily need to talk to someone else. If anything, I need to get in touch with my inner self to gain clarity.

In hindsight, when he would talk non-stop about this girl who I believe is his major first crush, I understand now that I was his trusted person to be his sounding board. I was not a very good sounding board to say the least and I regret my reaction.
Now, whenever he talks to me about something, I feel joy and my heart goes pitter pat knowing that I am still one of his trusted people. And also, I am ready to be the best sounding board I can be.

I know now, that he doesn't need advice from me, but he needs to hear himself talk and see how true it feels for him. All I need to do is give him the safe space, the brave space so he can talk and find his truth.

There was another incident today which made me reflect on my daughter's chart, but that is a story for another day.

Wishing you all a gorgeous day.

With Gratitude,

Yukiko

How have you experienced the law of right returns in your own life? .. What happened and how did you feel ? - Pierre Pradervand The Gentle Art of Blessing

Fri, 24 Mar 2023 12:11:19 GMT

The Law of Right Returns

What do you think of when you hear the word "Bless" or "Blessings" ?

For me, my natural inclination was to picture a church or think of someone sneezing.

After reading this book, I see that "blessings" can be, and by nature, it probably is something to be captured in a bigger context.

It's basically a nudge to be kind and have compassion - whether it be for yourself or for someone else.

I found that just thinking about the concept of "Blessings" makes me feel kinder and more compassionate.

I don't walk around thinking "Who needs my blessing today," or "Who or what can I bless today?"

It's strangely organic. There's a flow within me.

The other day I was stopped by a woman who was lost. According to google maps, she had walked the opposite direction and it was a good 20 min walk to reach her destination. Instead of explaining the way, I decided to walk with her. As I applauded myself, I also caught myself thinking "What blessing would come back to me for this 1act of kindness?' " "How will I experience the law of right return ?
Ahhhhh nooooo! I am not enlightened! I am not selfless! I am not sitting under the lotus tree. I am a human being with an ego that wants to be filled, if not by me by someone else.

But you know what, who cares. Who cares what my reason was. Who cares that I hope for some kindness to come back to me.

For one thing, she's probably happy that she didn't get lost again.

I feel good that I did it. If not morally, I definitely got my steps in for the day!
Maybe it's the good deed or the extra exercise, I felt good when I got home. Maybe it's the thought that there were others that were just terrible with directions as much as I am.

Really strange.
As I type this, a song called blessin, came on (by Joris Brunot, Kaelin Ellis.)
Giving me the perfect line to close this off with - Everything you do is a blessing yeah.

Dobby is a free elf - Dobby

Sun, 05 Feb 2023 10:21:42 GMT

Meeting My Dobby

At every full moon, I journal about the thoughts, feelings and habits I want to release. I also list everything I am grateful for in my blessed life. Then I get my BBQ set out and burn the paper and watch my negative thoughts fizzle into ashes.

I discovered that I don't have a lot of negative thoughts. And that was when I sensed a little creature, whispering - "But something is bound to go wrong. What could that be?"
That little creature is like Dobby, who tried to keep Harry Potter from going to Hogwarts because he knew Voldemort was coming for him in the Chamber of Secrets. Although Dobby's heart was in the right place, his actions caused Harry distress and discomfort.
But once Dobby gained confidence and became a free elf, he was the fiercest of allies for Harry and his friends.
I met my Dobby today. And I want to show him that he can be a free elf. I know that he is there to protect me and he will do whatever it takes when it comes down to it.

With that in mind, I will go get my BBQ set and burn my lists.

Sending you loving kindness,

Yukiko

Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost. - Khalil Gibran

Sun, 30 Oct 2022 20:11:01 GMT

Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost - Khalil Gibran

Who did you think of when you read this quote? What would it take for you to call that person, or walk over to them and give them a hug. Tell them that you care and love them.
Regardless of what happened yesterday, or a few hours ago, or a year ago or 25 years ago.
You care and you love them.
Regardless of what you said or they said.
What would it look like if you did that?
How would it make you feel? How could the relationship be?

My mom loves cherry blossoms. Every year she would send me pictures of them in full bloom in Edogawabashi or Iidabashi, in Tokyo. I always picture her walking with her phone and taking the photos for me.
Now she can't. The only cherry blossom she sees is whatever she sees in her memory.
There are many things we probably didn't say to each other. The heartfelt things.

There are many things we did say to each other. Most of what I recall are the hurtful things.
I feel like we could have had deeper conversations. Or deeper moments without words.
I would give the world to have a chat with her. Not to tell her how I feel but to listen to her. Really listen.
So she feels heard. She feels seen. So she feels loved. Because she is loved.

Sending you loving kindness. To you too Mama.
Yukiko

Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years, when they could just say, so what. - Andy Warhol

Sun, 16 Oct 2022 16:24:55 GMT

The Freeze

We've all been in these situations, right ? Someone makes a rude comment in passing and you just FREEZE ? It's only 10 min later that you can come up with clever retorts and you kick yourself for not having been able to react right there and then.
I joined a group of powerful female coaches last week to discuss the book Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak. It's about taking control of the conversation or situation using the direction of your attention. Just like how a dominatrix has her attention OUT onto her sub. I shared with the group an incident that happened a year after I moved to Holland. A man fixing something on the street didn't approve where I walked when I tried to get out of his way. He made a snide sarcastic remark - to which I couldn't say anything ! I couldn't say anything because my attention immediately went inside - trying to figure out, What did he mean ? Would a Dutch person have known to walk somewhere else? But where? How could I have done this differently? All attention gone inside inside inside.

The incident still nips at me but in sharing the story, I realized that I couldn't have acted differently, as much as I would have liked to. You see, no one would make such a remark in Japan. They put safety cones around any construction sites no matter how small. There would be a sign AND there would be a person standing there directing you where to go and apologizing for the inconvenience.

Plus, I was still very raw and vulnerable in my new environment. He may just as well have slapped me across the face. That's what it felt like.

14-years later, I'm not much different in terms of coming up with clever retorts. But what I CAN DO is to practice putting my attention OUT. Kasia Urbaniak calls it Turning the Spotlight. The way to do this is simple. You respond with a question. Why do you want to know ? What makes you think you have the right to say/ask me that ? According to the book, the question you respond with could be as random as "Where did you get that sweater?" The aim is to turn the spotlight away from you. It takes the pressure off of you and on to the other person.
My kids ask me questions all of the time. Some are real questions that needs real answers but sometimes they are complaints in disguise - "Why is my T-shirt not washed?" "Why did Dad take the car and we have to ride our bikes?" "Why did the dog poo in the house again ?"

Let's see how they can train me. I would be very proud of myself to be empowered this way.

Wishing you all a great rest of the weekend.
Sending loving kindness,

Yukiko

If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others - Eckhart Tolle

Tue, 04 Oct 2022 15:49:45 GMT

Play

I went back to my banking job after a sick leave of 1 year and 5 months. It's a new chapter and that in itself is fun and exciting. I love changes. I always have. My first big change was moving to New York when I was 7. I vividly remember the first day at my new school playing in the yard with a bouncy ball with a boy called Mark. I spoke no English and he didn't speak a word of Japanese but we played together bouncing the ball and laughing. It's one of my fondest memories ever.
Children only play with people they want to play with. They never play with people they think they SHOULD play with.

Taking queues from my younger old self, I decided I would only engage with people that I want to engage with, either on a professional or personal level. I wouldn't engage with people I think I SHOULD engage with. It's only been two days but I'm loving this new rule. I smiled a lot and laughed with my colleagues. I want to be enthusiastic about going to work. I want to enjoy my colleagues as my tribe with whom I can be playful with. I decided to create that environment.

Sending you loving kindness.

Have a lovely day.

Catharsis is a ritual term, and it is eliminations of the ego perspective: wiping out ego-system, wiping out rational structuring. Smashing it, and letting life ..BOOM!. come through.- Joseph Campbell

Mon, 26 Sep 2022 18:53:10 GMT

The Ego

We have a puppy now. In the mere three days, the perfect balance in our human-only-family has been disrupted. The two-legged-we have suddenly found ourselves uncomfortable in the comfort of our home. A few days ago, I reflected on how one could be happy and fulfilled anywhere. I am learning this time that we can be thrown into discomfort just about anywhere too. On her arrival, I was surprised to discover that a childhood trauma remains deeply rooted. You see, for whatever reason, she didn't take to me. Her tail would curl between her legs, she would growl and step backwards when I approached her. Then the ego came out. The words "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" was on repeat in my head like a mantra. I visualized a massive wall of heavy grey rocks built around my husband, the kids and the puppy while I stood outside alone. I knew this was all in my head. She's a puppy for f***s sake. But my saboteur had regained strength. It was like Voldemort coming back to its full power after being a helpless face on the back of someone else's head. I cried like I've never cried in front of my kids. Today, my daughter said to me in the car, "Mama, I'm going to tell you everyday that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH." I started saying it's OK, the problem is the way I am seeing things and the only way I can deal with it is to work on me because it's a stupid story I am telling myself. But I changed my mind. Why try to "be strong" and sort it out on my own? Why not accept the help extended to me? She will help me stay accountable to tell MYSELF that I AM GOOD ENOUGH and keep flexing the "I AM GOOD ENOUGH"-muscle. The muscle that inarguably needs to be trained, as highlighted by my new four-legged-teacher.
My daughter and I have a ritual on the way back from school - we list all the positive things that happened that day. We added a mantra - "WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH. WE ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH."
Have a lovely day
Sending you loving kindness

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wed, 21 Sep 2022 15:08:45 GMT

Freedom

I recently thought I had a spiritual calling to go to Egypt. My mentor told me she was having a retreat there. "By coincidence," I was re-reading The Alchemist (by Paulo Coelho) which is about a boy going to Egypt to find his treasure. I thought this was an omen! It must be written!

But then I noticed a pattern - I did this last year as well when I decided I would pack up and move back to Tokyo on my own. At the time I was feeling the discomfort of being treated for cancer in Holland, away from my home country. This time, I am feeling the discomfort of going back to my corporate job after an extended sick leave.
I know going to Egypt will be an amazing experience. I can imagine myself completely awestruck underneath the millions of stars, feeling the presence of something much much bigger than me. I can feel the sand beneath my feet as I listen to the waves of the Red Sea(I think the Red Sea!) I breathe in and breathe out ever so deeply, feeling so full and complete and so free!
But Yukiko, I want you to be SO full and complete and SO free that you can be full and complete and free wherever you are! Feel the awe and inspiration you know you'd feel under the Egyptian stars even when you are at home. ESPECIALLY when you are at home. I want you to be breathing ever so deeply right HERE right NOW. Isn't THAT what it means to be truly fulfilled and free?
Have a lovely day.

Sending you loving kindness.

In every religion, there's love, yet love has no religion - RUMI

Mon, 19 Sep 2022 13:12:29 GMT

Self love

The word "self love" is unsettling for me. Do you feel the same uneasiness ?
"I love strawberries," "I love my kids," "I love to dance." The word "love" comes so naturally and easily when there is an outward energy. On the contrary, the word "self" - is well, the self, an inner energy.

I do love myself though and I hope you do too. I hope every being does, to the last molecule.
I went to Spain this summer. Had the BEST holiday.
But I gained weight and I am having difficulties shedding it off.
A year ago, I would have been so disappointed and angry with myself for not watching what I ingest. Probably gone on a very hard core fasting diet.
But this time, I am being kind to myself.

I am giving myself space, and time.

I listen to podcasts by nutrition experts and give myself permission to follow what feels good for me to follow. And I eat chocolate now and again.

I don't know if I will be able to fit into my favorite dresses again but I decided I would do what is in my control, and in the meantime, I decided to be kind to me because I love me and I want to be nice to me.
The word "Self love" is a bit too much - maybe because I am Asian and we typically suppress our emotions? But I can do "self kindness." I can do "self-let's be nice."
Have a lovely day!
Sending you loving kindness.

A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving - Lao Tzu

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 08:31:01 GMT

Signs

People talk about the signs from the divine, the greater power, the universe. I believed in all of that, pretty much all my life - started with Star Wars. Then in 2018 my mom had an accident and she didn't die, but fell into a coma.
I am the first one to tell you Things happen FOR you, not TO you. There is a silver lining. There is a lesson.

But I saw no silver lining or lessons here. I just can't fathom that the coma happened FOR her.
I lost faith. Completely. F*** spirituality!
4 years later, I find myself...shifting. Wanting ... to believe again.
I want to believe that there is a shard of light in the tragedy.

Nothing changed. My mom's still asleep.

But as I recognize the want to believe again, I am starting to see "coincidences."

I am not sold. But it feels like I am starting to heal. Maybe... I haven't decided to believe...yet, but I decided to be healed.
Sending you love and kindness.

Play

Golden Shadow Integration

Golden Shadow Integration

Illuminating The Golden Shadow -Unearthing the Soul

Illuminating the Golden Shadow - Unearthing My Soul

1. The Silenced Messenger (The Teacher vs. The Fear of Judgment)

2. The Perceived "Arrogance" of Ease

3. The Chameleonic Identity (People-Pleasing & The Fear of Being Different)

4. Borrowed Faith

In short, your current tension is:

Get Expanded In Your Authentic Expression

Get Expanded In Your Authentic Expression-a TBM Challenge

The Core Throughlines & Common Themes

Rooted Sovereignty and "Radical Un-botheredness"

Unfiltered, Raw Authenticity

Zooming Out: The Micro vs. The Macro

Forgiveness, Reflection, and Recalibration

2. What This Highlights for Your Authentic Expression & Visibility

The Past We Bring Into Parenting

Parenting With Old Wounds

異端者でリーダー気質の末娘

私の“Rio”を探して

Living in Holland from an Astrocartography perspective

Living in Holland from an Astrocartography Perspective

Connecting with my Son

Alchemizing the Wound: Motherhood, Human Design and the Path Back to Connection

How have you experienced the law of right returns in your own life? .. What happened and how did you feel ? - Pierre Pradervand The Gentle Art of Blessing

The Law of Right Returns

Dobby is a free elf - Dobby

Meeting My Dobby

Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost. - Khalil Gibran

Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost - Khalil Gibran

Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years, when they could just say, so what. - Andy Warhol

The Freeze

If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others - Eckhart Tolle

Play

Catharsis is a ritual term, and it is eliminations of the ego perspective: wiping out ego-system, wiping out rational structuring. Smashing it, and letting life ..BOOM!. come through.- Joseph Campbell

The Ego ﻿

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Freedom

In every religion, there's love, yet love has no religion - RUMI

Self love

A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving - Lao Tzu

Signs

The Ego